Adult Play, Relationships and What Actually Matters
How I Stay Grounded In This Crazy Life [25]:
I was supposed to share a mid year reset newsletter this week, all about my goals progress, intentions and plans for the second half of 2022. I, however, had sudden thoughts stirring in my mind that prompted me to write about living with intention - How I (have been trying to) stay grounded.
Staying grounded is a core building block of my life, foremost because of my upbringing. My parents, especially my mom, has been a stellar example of leading a “no bullshit” life with a straightforward attitude to everything. She is a “T” for “Think” in the third dichotomy in the Myer Briggs personality categorization, meaning she doesn’t get too sappy or overthink like I tend to do. My mom is the one who poke holes in my future plans or decision making. She doesn’t back down on many things.
My parents don’t worship wealth now or when I was growing up. I was lucky enough to never experience financial hardships and was able to develop a positive relationship with money. I don’t yearn for millionaire status. I am able to reasonably spend money on the activities and things that I genuinely need and will benefit my life. Our family values fun times, or as I recently like to call it, adult play. We spent every summer before COVID travelling, whether that is to a two-hour-drive destination from Hanoi or a 12-hour-flight location across the Atlantic Ocean. My favorite time of us together is when we are all present, phones tucked away, cooking dinner, cleaning the rooftop or just waiting for the incense to burn in front of our ancestors’ altars during the Lunar New Year week. I drew and gifted my parents’ birthday, my mom’s women’s day and anniversary cards every year until high school. Our shared love language was quality time.
My parents also don’t worship achievements. I was never pressured into earning all 10s, competing in an academic contest or getting accepted into prestigious high schools and colleges by them. They did the best thing parents could do, which is let their children be.
From such upbringing, I learn to place emphasis on quality relationships, present moments and genuine time spent together. Rather than optimizing for my work output, accolades or first prizes in competitions, I prioritize good times. I take pride in taking care of the people that I love.
Notwithstanding, being an adult has certainly challenged that outlook. There is rarely a week that I do not think about achievements and goals: my job, productivity, where I place compared to my high school friends. This happens to the point that I despise myself, because I know this is not who I am. I feel extremely conflicted with balancing what I genuinely want to live and what I am trying to signal when trying to catch up with my peers. I don’t know where this race starts and ends. I think about the families that I know who throw themselves into careers and set extreme expectations for their children. I think about my ex co-workers who didn’t have time for their families because they consistently work twice the standard hours and can barely take care of themselves outside of showing up for work. When faced with these realities I always ask myself if all these sacrifices are worth it and if they are, what for?
Yet I am also scared of ‘under-performing’, of allowing myself so much space and time that I begin to slack off and wanting to be dependent. I shift between two states: ‘I am a working woman who can grind extra hours’ and ‘I should not care about work because a job is just a means to an end and it is not a ‘passion’ for me to live out.’ Compared to millennials, Gen-Z is the generation that increasingly refutes performative appearances, values authenticity and personal time while placing less and less emphasis on work, especially a casual 9-5 job. While my birth year places me squarely in the Gen-Z bunch, I think my identity straddles between being a millennial and a Gen-Z, with me only recently beginning to familiarize with Tik Tok and the many messages that resonate with many Gen-Zers on there.
As a twenty-three-year-old who is fundamentally impatient, these phases are hard to go through. They are needed growing pains, a pre-requisite for sharper outlook, better decision making and proper value alignment moving forward. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but wonder when will these tumultuous thoughts end?
On the weekends that I get to spend time with good friends, usually in the form of talking excessively, spending time in nature and playing, I feel the most joy and contentment. In these moments, I can almost forget all worries. What truly matters reveal then and there. It has almost become a running joke between me and a friend (inspired by this newsletter on the little things) to focus on every day tiny moments. I know that when I grow old, grey and feeble, I won’t remember how grand my job title was nor how fast I was promoted but rather how I spent my time with the most important people in my life. There, is the thought that I keep on clinging everyday, to stay grounded.
If you are finding yourself burnt out or needing a bit of a break, see below for activities suggestions:
Activities to stay grounded:
A nature day out with a good friend, preferably non-judgmental, good listener, and non-hassle travel buddy to observe mother earth: trees, plants, fish, ships, waves.
Taking a day off work to recalibrate, sleep enough back and have a really slow morning.
Find your favorite slow coffee shop, order a hot drink, sit down to read, journal or work on the computer without any stress on completing anything.
Read a book. I mean it, really read it. Turn off your phone, hide it somewhere, focus on the book entirely for at least thirty minutes.
Listen to a soothing podcast, video or meditation. These have helped me when I’m most anxious:
Voice Hugs (thanks Minjae for the recs!)
Justine Snacks (mainly food but her vibe is overall: soothing)
Meg Josephson (mindfulness, good food, intentional life)
The Present Writer Podcast
Yoga with Adriene (my favorite is this Stress Relief Meditation Video)
Michelle Reed (slow living, satisfying food and home content)
Think about a friend of yours who is really positive. Look at your life through their lens, what do you see? Is your problem at least a bit more optimistic?
Take a warm and long shower.
Think about what makes you happy as a child.
Is it sitting at the dining table waiting for your grandma’s stellar cooking? Is it drawing and coloring? Is it going out to eat Pho with your parents on a Sunday? Staging a swimming session for your plushie?
How can you get closer to the person you were when you were younger? Can you find that similar sense of joy now? It can be free, in all sense you can imagine. Tear down the layers you have built as an adult to get to your inner child, and see what can easily put a smile on your face.
Think about what is making anxious three years from now? Does it even matter anymore? Release that thought.
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Cheers,
MD