antithesis of feelings
pursue what is right for you is a learned art [88]:
I am so sensitive most days. I get overwhelmed, and sad. I get upset at my boyfriend because he is the one who is closest to me, and he often lets me have my way when I am upset.
I love writing. It makes me feel alive and connected, but I also hate sitting down, staring at the blinking cursor facing my empty brain or thoughts I deem uninspiring. I tell myself I have many ideas that are unoriginal, unhelpful, repetitive, and boring. Who would want to read them?
I am scared of writing because I am scared of failing short of my expectations and those of readers. But I sat in a cafe one day behind a girl who had a tech job. Overhearing the work meeting gave me a wash of fear and left me with a pit in my stomach. I used to be in her place, at a big company, holding down a big girl job. Everything was rosy in title but I couldn’t escape that life fast enough. Two months into my job, I filmed a five-minute video on my phone telling myself I would escape this life in three years. Even at 22, I wanted something that felt more human.
I want to feel more alive, more connected, more tangible. I don’t want the daily team calls, networking 1x1, planning for a faceless corporation.
When I overheard this girl’s work call, I became so grateful to be able to write as much as I do now with my current job. I was reminded of how lucky I am to be close to what I love, which fueled me and grounded me as a human being. And then I realize even if I got writer’s block, hated my words, or had fewer people read what I share, this is what I would choose every day - to write, to read, to be immersed in the written world.
I am bad at sticking to things that I don’t like. I naturally have low patience, but my patience is especially scarce when I am put through activities that I don’t connect with. On the other hand, I can also be tenacious and stubborn with the things I do connect with - writing, staying active, traveling, books, being close to friends, etc. I naturally bounce back to doing them without much hard work or time. The things I love are my default state, and even if I wander far from them, the rubber band bounces back to its resting state.
For things I don’t love, they feel trying and unnatural. I think this should be obvious - pursue people and things that are “easy” and organic. Let go of things that feel out of reach when you are trying for them for too long. But then I can be bad at perceiving how I feel and noticing whether something is hard because it is hard or because it is not good for me.
I have had a few friends that I have known for as long as I have lived in Austin, yet being their friends seems forceful. Hanging out with them is a bit difficult and arranging a date that both of us enjoy feels weird. Between me and those friends, we never have a big fall out but there is an underlying strange sensation. It is as if they are not meant to be my friends and I am not meant to be theirs. My boyfriend kept asking me why I kept trying if the connection felt awkward. I told him I needed a solid reason, a punch in the face for why I should stop trying. I felt like a quitter when I distanced myself willingly from them because on paper they should be able to be my good friends. We have things in common.
Thinking about this reminded me of a date I had years ago. It was my first date off a dating app so I had no idea what to expect. I had a criteria list at the time, of qualities I wanted to look for in a partner. I thought if he met these qualities, things would be fine. We went on a date, and post-date review, he met a lot of criteria on my list.
Strangely enough, I couldn’t stand him. I wanted to leave so quickly. With one thing he got right, he made me feel inadequate in another way. That contrary experience stayed with me for many years unresolved.
With people, not only do you have to be compatible with the “should have” but also with the “should-not have”. These untethered friends and the guy had commonalities that I am looking for but also traits and behaviors that don’t resonate with me.
I think I am constantly drawn between two states: interest and distaste. A lot of the time, I don’t know for sure what I need, if something is good for me or not. It is trite but it is true that sometimes you don’t cherish what you have until you lose it. Alternatively, you don’t know how bad your situation is until you are in a better state. There is an infinite possibilities of life and people and experiences that will surprise one in life.
You desire something and it turns out it is not pleasant.
You look down on a lifestyle and turn out you avoid it because you crave it.
I think anyone who tells you exactly what they want in life is lying to you. No one knows exactly what they want in life. If they do, they are lying to themselves.
So everything is a rinse and repeat situation. You experience, reflect, make mistakes, and learn. You redo things and make more mistakes. For me, if something continues to feel sustainably good and healthy, I continue with it. If something feels persistently difficult, I try to cut it out. But even saying this feels hypocritical because two of my biggest life aspects at times are contradictory to my natural easy state.
But I will keep writing because that is all I know. Writing keeps me sane and alive. Writing makes me realize some of my decisions and thought processes are flawed. Writing shows me that I do grow over time. I can’t really be dishonest when I write: to myself and you.
Inherently there will always be a pull between two opposites for you, me, and everyone. A lot of the time, things seem uncertain and you will make the wrong choice. But I end every essay by saying this: listen to yourself, notice the small and big things, and we can hope to make less of the same mistakes in the future.
Thank you for reading the Life with MD publication. My life has been hectic as of late, I try my best to share a weekly essay, but if you find any minor mistakes, have my apologies!
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