authenticity
can you be as close as possible to your core? [82]:
I recently cleaned out my 90+ subscription list on Substack. I have been overwhelmed with the flood of emails coming in every week. I have subscribed because of a good story and started receiving workshops and class offers. Other times, I feel disconnected between the author and me as an audience. The blogs feel impersonal or irrelevant. I am a lover of good stories mixed with an educational element. I follow a writer when I can relate to their experiences or find insight in their stories even when their background and stage of life differ from mine. They made me feel something: motivated, inspired, relatable, educated, and generally a good feeling. There is something visceral and raw about reading authentic stories.
Authenticity is everything to me. I'm honest to a fault. There is a plethora of moments where co-workers at my old jobs in Vietnam, or relatives laughed at what I said. I speak what is on my mind, sometimes at my own expense. Throughout my career, I have worked best and admired people who have a small ego and are true to themselves while respecting others. All my closest friends are terrible at lying. The greatest gift, in my opinion, in this life is the freedom to be ourselves. Research proves this, finding a positive relationship between authenticity and well-being.
When volunteering at the crisis text line, I de-escalated situations by helping people reconnect with what brings them joy. I talked to this one upset lady who came into the conversation fiery and angry at the world eventually eased up and calmed down when she talked about fulfilling her dreams and revisiting old hobbies.*
People thrive when they have the resources and space to be themselves. One of the biggest accomplishments of my mid-20s is to identify what kind of work, people, and lifestyle I am okay with. I had to practice my mental muscles to become honest with myself. My college years and early 20s were years of me not understanding and deluding my mind, pushing down my interests and dreams. For one, I was highly impressionable - influenced by a combination of family, school, and peers. I confused prestige and popularity for something I should desire. Along with the indoctrination from business school, I felt odd for aspiring to unconventional jobs and lifestyles with my interest in writing and blogging. I naturally didn’t dream about a corporate job and climbing the ladder but eventually was made to believe that it was the end all be all. In hindsight, the big hurdle was the lack of role models with strong authenticity and confidence to proclaim what they want out of life. Resoundingly, it was the same echo of “You should get an internship, then get a full-time offer, either from a local Fortune 500 company, Big 4 (accounting companies), or Big 3 (consulting companies).”
I wouldn’t rule out the self-selection that happens with people who commit themselves to an undergraduate business degree. I was an odd duck for not wanting to be there. This highlights the need for diverse role models however. If you don’t see someone doing something you want to do, you don’t know if it is even possible.
After working in corporate and now in a small business, I can muster the confidence to admit to myself the work I like or to be more precise, tolerate. More important than a type of work is the environment I want to be in and the relationships, ideas, and values promoted by said environment, The search for honesty also showed me the people I want to make an effort to keep company and those I am okay with letting fade. Being honest with yourself is nuanced, iterative, and time-intensive. You gradually identify the elements you prioritize: relationships, flexibility, love, exploration, etc. Initially, it might just be a fancy job that pays a lot but breaking down that further, you will see some things are more crucial than just the salary. You will agree to trade-offs to attain what you desire.
Noticing this also means I can envision a vignette of a life that I want: freedom of where and when to work, education, quality time with loved ones, pleasant coworkers, financial resources for the present and future, seeing the world, etc. I create vision boards at the beginning of each year and it is fascinating to see how they changed over the past five years. Your values and priorities also changed over time.
Quitting Instagram helps a lot with minimizing comparisons and forcing myself to be “accomplished” in the traditional sense. Being with a partner who watches gorilla videos in his free time and can’t give two f*cks about what others are doing helps as well.
Life is not something you perform for the benefit of other people. When you perform for other people, you rob yourself of the chance to relate to them in a real way. Everything collapses inwards, becomes solipsistic: you and the camera, you and the mirror, you and the void - Ava in entry points
Self-honesty is fascinating because not only will you start exploring life in the way you want but also bring in people who share the same sentiment. When you want to please all you meet, you can not live true to yourself. Doing that long enough and one day you might ask “Who am I?” You are not everyone’s cup of tea living true to you values. Those who stay, stay for you. Even if you mess up royally, they understand because they agree to that when they become your friends.
I met some high school and middle school friends during winter break and one thing that stood out is how much everyone’s lives are diverging for the first time. While milestones in school are identical between us, three years after college, people are doing all sorts of things at 25. Some got married or had kids, some moved abroad after living in the same place their whole life. Some run their businesses, and some have worked in the same company since they graduated. I have doctor friends who are still in training, and Ph.D students who have a few years before they start working. Some friends who never dated or had a romantic partner are finally looking into it.
Once competing for the same achievements and accolades, people’s values and interests are shifting. I have very ambitious and talented friends, which is a gift and bane of my existence. They lit a fire under me and made me anxious about my progress simultaneously. There was a time when all we talked about was college applications, internships, and getting a good job. As someone who was not born competitive, socializing with these friends was the first launching point for my desire for “accomplishment”. Perhaps it is true that you are the average of five people you spend most time with. I certainly was.
Maybe because my interests shift too but I notice that most of what we talk about now is our partner(s), dating, or wanting to be close to family. I would like to think that we are maturing to realize there is more beyond career or academic achievement.
Authenticity is stripping down the layers and working on the core of yourself. To an extent, all of us live to fulfill external markers. It is unavoidable. But speaking from someone miserable at places and jobs that were not meant for me, seeking that core is everything. I can breathe every day now at work because my coworkers accept me as who I am. I am comfortable being silly and annoying with my boyfriend because he knows my quirks. Writing again and again for me proves to be cathartic. Connecting with fellow readers is immensely rewarding. When I spend time on activities and people that nurture my core, I am most satisfied.
If you feel like your entire life has felt weird with what you do, and who you surround yourself with, take a minute to think about what organically brings you sustained peace and joy. What is it that you have consistently shown interest in? Which environment makes you feel at ease/safe/open? Even if you can a little bit closer to what you like, you will be more connected to the self.
Aside from yourself, being authentic helps people immediately around you too: a partner, parents, and close friends. If you are fundamentally unhappy, you will likely project that onto others and it is stressful for them to bear your constant unhappiness burden.
Working on your core self is a journey, and most of us might never uncover our whole being. But one thing I will firmly claim, the closer you get to the core, the more at peace you will feel. Aligning that core to what the world asks and rewards is a story for a different day. I will touch on that when I get close :)
* This is not professional or medical advice. I am not a licensed therapist or doctor.
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