building momentum

getting better by doing more & essay on friendships [3]:

Feb 17, 2022

Hi friends,

This week I’m determined to crunch out this newsletter because as a loyal disciple of Ali Abdaal, I am trying to focus on getting things out in the world more than getting perfect.

And, I’d like to thank all of you who read, like, comment and take the time to let me know that you enjoy reading my words. I have had fun crafting these little messages that lovingly arrive into your inbox on a weekly cadence.

Picture this, you have me 9:48pm on a Wednesday night, laptop on the kitchen counter, mind hanging over each word choice.

Life hits:

Current read:

What I talk about when I talk about running by Haruki Murakami

I have never read a single Murakami’s novel and only picked up this one because my mom read and recommended it (yes we talk about books together, hi mom!) He talked about solitude, embarking on a journey to become a novelist from being a bar manager/owner - and most trivial life observations yet it’s fascinating.

Exhibit A

“In other words, let's face it: Life is basically unfair. But even in a situation that's unfair, I think it's possible to seek out a kind of fairness. Of course, that might take time and effort. And maybe it won't seem to be worth all that. It's up to each individual to decide whether or not it is.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

and B:

“The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can't be learned at school.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Current Youtube binging:

Ana Psychology is a Psychology PhD student and she talks about psychology in self-esteem, interpersonal and romantic relationships. The juicier videos she have posted are The one thing you should do on a first date, 10 Traits of a Quality Partner, Introverts live in an extroverts’ world.

Some of us might need these more than others (wink wink) but I have always found psychology to be a fascinating topic so check Ana out if you like.

Book Recommendation (W2):

The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi
Anxious People - Fredrik Backman

Add me on Goodreads and follow what I’m reading here, I’m currently at 16/40 books for 2022.

Celebrations:

I have signed up for my FIRST ever driving test, and have finished all the pre-requisites for that to happen. See me in a month whizzing up and down the streets of Austin (knock on wood !! though)

Essay of the week:

Evolving Friendships

"okay see ya, let's talk next time."

I ended a call with a long time friend, dazed and tired. We used to talk everyday, yet now when we chat, I don't know how to sustain the conversation.

For forever, I thought she was going to be my bff (best friend forever!!).

Just kidding, I have forgone that terminology but I did expect her to be a stable force in my life longer.

Recently, I told my friends that if I wanted something, I would never plan for it but will wait until the universe hands it to me. That is, few things I specifically planned for ever became reality.

At the end of middle school, I entered the entrance exams for three magnet high schools in Hanoi, expecting nothing even though I have worked my bottom off for it. If you know anything about magnet high schools in Viet Nam, you would know that most if not all of the kids who got in would have had one or few academic prizes earlier in their middle school or elementary years. I have not once competed academically for any subject. Somehow, I got in all three schools and surprised everyone who knew me, from my parents’ friends to my own Math teacher.

Applying to college, I fantasized about attending this liberal arts college in St. Paul, Minnesota, losing sleep the day the decision was released. After two rounds of decision delay, the board rejected my application, me close to tearing up opening the email in my school's bathroom. Four years later, I graduated, got a job in one of the best cities in America (arguable but I maintain my stance), finding my paths converging with people who attended that college anyway.

When I moved to Sai Gon September 2020, I thought I was going to stay for three months, completed my internship and headed home. I ended up spending almost an entire year, worked for three organizations and made more friends than I have ever had in my entire life.

So there it is. My life in a nutshell. Nothing premeditated work, everything unplanned flourish.

After a series of unpredictable yet serendipitous events, I figured I wouldn’t treat friendships with the same rigor and austerity I used to anymore.

I am still here for friends with open arms, but I won’t be chasing after people, waiting for their texts and calls of when we could hang next.

I realize I thrive best when I have friends who reach out equally as I do, both of us making the shared efforts. I talked about the three components of friendship in my latest podcast episode that a good friendship composes of three things: opportunity, effort and reciprocity.

Sometimes, you have amazing opportunity and exert a lot of efforts, but the other person doesn’t do the same and the friendship wastes away. Other times, the opportunity to make friends is meager but you put in the effort and so does the other person and a friendship is sustained (totally not speaking from personal experience.)

Over time, you grow and occasionally you may find your friends still staying in the same place they were years ago, and/or wanting to pull you down to where they are. It’s suffocating, I have been there.

I have been practicing this thing called “Matching the other person’s energy” where I put into a relationship the same amount of effort the other person is willing to put in for me. It’s not a tit-for-tat strategy, more so putting in the time into relationships that are deserving of it. So far it’s worked wonderfully.

Truth be told, I know very little about creating and sustaining good friends. I don’t have a magic potion for getting all the friends you want and none of the friends you don’t need, but I’m working on it.

So if you trust me, let’s go on this journey together and we’ll be friends :)

Thanks a ton for subscribing to my newsletter.

You are an absolutely rock star and incredible human being.

Before leaving, please consider:

Letting me know your win of the day/week/month in the comments
Letting me know a book (or multiple) you are reading.
Leaving a feedback on this week’s substack by commenting and hearting (if you like, I certainly like you!)

Talk soon,

m.d.d