departing from your roots

on asian cultural and family influences [43]:

Photo by HyggeLab Concept on Unsplash

I am a family person. I love them and almost always put them first. I facetime my mom every single day. I try to talk to my sister every week, emphasis on “try”. Of the twelve astrological signs, I am the most emotional, easily touched, and regularly described as a family-oriented sign.

Naturally, I see family as my main identity for most of my life. I am them, they are me. I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter first before I am a friend, a writer, a working professional, a dreamer, a doer. They are the reason why I was brought into this world - my mom and my dad, coming together. My parents take care of and love me more than anyone could, at least at this point in time. My parents offer reliable shoulders for me to cry on. They were there the moments I am most lonely and helpless: butthurt at work from being an overly eager intern, balling in the engineering building’s bathroom when our dog died halfway across the world, frustrated at the friendships I thought were going great, etc.

I was in a cocoon of love that I thought there were no flaws in burying myself in their existence. Family was the first unit of community that offers me stability and assurance. As a naturally anxious person, I crave that more than anything in each social interaction. I want assurance, trust, a guarantee, a promise. Being from northern of Viet Nam, our culture and way of living are heavily influenced by Confucian thought. I did not have a specific reference to explain this because it seeps deep into our culture and that is how I come to know it growing up in Hanoi. Even though I am Vietnamese, this is an explanation through the Western lens of Chinese culture that might be helpful to my non-Asian readers:

The family unit is considered to be one of the most central institutions. For many, their family provides them with a sense of identity and a strong network of support. In Confucian thinking, the family contains the most important relationships for individuals and forms the foundations of all social organisation.

and this

Families are also perceived to have a collective identity and reputation [in China]. This is often referred to as face, whereby the act of a single individual will impact the perception of all its members by others. The interest of the family is expected to supersede the interests of the individual. Family members are also expected to receive preferential treatment in return for their loyalty to the family.

In wrapping my identity around my family, I was cared for. Yet there comes a time with any group association when one begins to be confined by the group’s beliefs. Being from Viet Nam, my extended family is still heavily influenced by outdated and at times misogynistic beliefs. For example, a common discussion topic is how women shouldn’t intimidate men by becoming high earners, highly educated, or most laughable, tall. There had been times when I was told by a relative that I was getting too tall for the average guy. I am 165cm (5’5).

In my sophomore year of college, I wanted to get out of business school. I wasn’t finding any interest in my finance or marketing classes nor was I seeing a purpose in hustling for internships and full-time jobs in big corporations. I got depressed and had to see a therapist. At this point, I wanted to transfer into the journalism program so that I could write and express myself as I have always wanted to. I was confident that I would thrive in this program because when my passion is aligned, my efforts come naturally. As traditional Asian parents, my parents couldn’t understand where I was coming from. On the other hand, I wasn’t confident enough to pursue it against their opinions. That was one thing I regretted about college.

Post-grad life is looking a lot different. As I am financially independent, I make decisions on my own and refrain from asking family for advice. I realized in hindsight that I feel the most confident in taking risks and productive when I am not in close proximity to them. I learn that creating distances is needed when my drive got to the point of unfathomable and at time scary. When I was in middle school, they didn’t understand why I would skip a family gathering to study for my high school entrance exam or attend SAT class. When I was in college, they didn’t understand why I would go against a traditionally stable career to pursue something as “frivolous” as writing.

Listening to yourself is key. Intuition is fundamental. Listen to it. There might be external forces that can sway you every direction: cultural and social norms, family’s expectations, fear of your own exploring the unknown.

From the bookbear newsletter on the right thing for you:

Something being hard is different from something being wrong for you. When something is hard, you might be incredibly uncertain about the outcome, but you’re probably confident in the path, both the day-to-day process of it and the value and the joy. When it’s wrong, it’s out of whack with your basic needs

I like to dream of big, crazy, wild possibilities. When I was small I dreamt of becoming a writer, a novelist and an artist. I dreamt of living a life of adventure and freedom. I don’t know precisely the steps I need to take to get there but I am inching forward one foot at a time. There are other dreams that are less obvious and dominant, at the back of my head, lying dormant until the right time comes. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for why I dream of the things I dream. I know that when I am determined on a path, I will do everything in my power to get there. In order to do that, I need to surround myself with people who have trust in me and challenge me to go the extra mile when I want to give up.

For a lot of us, that might be our immediately family. For others, those people might be friends, teachers, a partner or peers. Whatever you do, stand your ground because it is yourself who knows what is best.

It is a hard transition, and antithetical to who I used to be. But I believe it is necessary to draw boundaries and create distance when some aspect of relationships are not ideal to your growth. The amount of love I have for my family doesn’t change; the way I choose to love and spend time with them does. We are disparate entities and sometimes it’s best to grow like so.

With love,

MD