Do I open myself up or not?

a discussion on "protecting your peace" [96]:

I have a constant tether between “protecting my peace” and striving for hard things.

You know how people say bad experiences make the best stories. Beyond that, doing something brave, challenging, unexpected keep you in the driver seat of your life. You do things instead of waiting for things to happen to you. I have always been a low-key, low-risk taking, planning kind of girl. Because of that, I don’t have a lot of wild stories to tell.

What I have found fascinating from the older figures in my life are the ones who do things, change stuffs, be involved. My maternal grandfather who taught at a local technical school and was widely respected. He was talked about as the parent who never stopped encouraging education in my mom and her siblings. A family friend who switched his career from finance to dentistry in his 30s and taught dancing at night to supplement his income. Another family friend who was so obsessed with running that even after multiple knee surgeries, he still kept at it.

I actually don’t know if I want to become them but I admire their dedication and agency. They chose what to do actively and unintentionally craft the best stories.

This made me excited for life: the physical, emotional and social aspects of it all.

Contradictorily, once I get close to my mid 20s, I started finding the needs to do what social media called “protect your peace”. I drew boundaries with families and close friends for the first time. I still love them and have them around. But nothing prepares you to getting told off at 24, 25 and 26 by your family and close friends that you are not good enough for wanting to try something new. That you are making a mistake and should stick to what works, even if it means being miserable for the rest of your life. It was an uphill battle that I was losing and felt like yelling into the void.

That was when I had to step back, close off communication. It would have been nice to always be open, share my thoughts and ideas, brace opposition with minimal impact to my spirit. Alas, I am not impervious to constant discouragement. Already working through doubts in myself, I didn’t have the energy to explain and justify personal choices. I felt like I owe people an explanation when I announced I wanted to do X, Y and Z.

I feel horrible at first - trying to rationalize how this will be better and people will be on my side. Then I remember the stories of Asian people in non-traditional fields whose parents never care for their journey even until after their successes: Simu Liu, Jimmy O. Yang and of course one of my favorite Vietnamese content creator con Cò đây. This knowledge helps me make peace with it, that a challenging journey might be lonely and sometimes it stays that way.

When I was small, I used to watch Phineas and Ferb. In one of the episodes, the lesson the brothers imparted us with was “If you love something, let it go.” As a middle schooler who barely had experiences with challenging relationships, that statement made me curious but was unsure how or why. At the ripe age of 26, I know now to love with generosity is to able to let go of control.

Ferb had to let Vanessa go one too many times

Covering all this, however, I don’t want to sink into the “protecting my peace” bubble. I still need to challenge myself, show up to function and events, do hard things where I question why I sign up for this in the first place. Without the effort, an experience will just be self-indulgent - like shopping, scrolling until sleepy, refusing social invitations.

What are some examples of hard things? Writing this Substack, training for a half marathon, showing up for my French class, talking to strangers above all is one of the most uncomfortable activities for me.

Consequently, completing an essay that I am proud of makes me a better thinker and writer. Passing the finishing mark two years ago in Austin was one of my proudest moment. Being able to speak and read French better than I could 1.5 year ago feels amazing. I also now have a good neighbor that I could chat with?! I never could have gotten here if I didn’t push through hard moments.

Sometimes all you need to overcome obstacles is to show up. Other times, you need a mind of steel. I have noticed that if I go into an experience mentally prepared to work hard but also for the worst and ready to adapt, I care more and subsequently do better. It is intuitive but also not always, because it is almost overly simplistic that all I need to do well is to care?

You don’t have to be the smartest person or most connected. You need to care and to care deeply. Refuse to take no for an answer. Refuse to get discouraged by one, two, three failures. Find an alternative, reach out for help, keep trying.

I think all my life will be a balancing act between calm and chaos. I love to relax but I also miss doing things. I can be unwavering but I am also very sensitive. I don’t care for hustle culture but I feel restless when I am not working towards something.

Doing things is rewarding. I believe in expanding oneself, exposing to challenges, feeling uncomfortable. One of my favorite quotes says it best:

“IN THE END… We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have,and the decisions we waited too long to make.” - Lewis Caroll.

Simultaneously, I can’t put myself on a proverbial chopping block. If you are bulletproof to criticism, that might not affect you. For now I choose to open my heart selectively, until I grow a stronger armor for the world to tread on it.

If you find the need to do the same, take this as a permission slip to step back. Don’t take it to shirk from responsibilities, or face what you need to face. Use it as a safe haven to maintain the strength and peace to get to where you heart and mind want to accomplish.

All my love,

M

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