doing things for the first time

on being first gen and foreign in another country [47]:

you have a lot of this in you

Lately, I have been spiraling, mostly on the topic of my career, the meaning of it all. I think a lot about how the way I spend my day contributes to who I want to become in the future. If you have been reading my essays since February, you know that I have been spiraling for one whole year, what else is new?

In the book Quarterlife by Satya Doyle Byock, the author writes about how most quarterlifers can be divided into two types: Meaning and Stability type.

Meaning type tends to struggle with typical social norms like getting good grades in school and working in traditional stable jobs. They have a hard time subscribing to typical life scripts because they tend to prioritize personal purpose over following typical societal expectations.

Stability type on the other hand responds very well to external pressure and expectation, resulting in actions that meet social fit. They have steady jobs, attain a good degree of financial and social stability, are in long-term stable relationships, etc.

When I read about these two types, I realize I don’t fit squarely in either of them. I am a meaning type trap in the body of a stability type. Acquaintances and strangers tell me I have my life together: I hold down a desk job, maintain sufficient social relationships, good with money, etc. Inward, my mind is a boiling pot that has been shrilling for no one knows how long. I feel like constantly screaming at the top of my lungs trying to make sense of whatever this is - adulthood, real life, living on my own, freedom.

When I go through uncertain times, the need for wise and supportive mentors intensifies. Recounting my past experiences, the periods where I felt the most assured and confident almost coincided with when I had good support systems.

Support system says a great deal about how a person is encouraged to pursue their interests or dreams. My friends who got into competitive programs or professions early on almost always have family or close connections who have been in the field and guided them. These friends are usually assured and convicted in their pursuits because either they have a secure financial and social base or they have seen someone in their life achieving that success.

Sometimes, I am envious of my friends who have parents that can guide their children with career choices. I have friends who are certain about going into Ph.D. programs because both of their parents have completed them. I have friends who founded and led multiple organizations because their parents are strong leaders themselves. People don’t talk about this enough but having family role models change everything. Not only do they provide emotional support and boost your confidence but also can share helpful resources and tactical steps to help you achieve your dream. I personally have never experienced this because few things I want to do have been completed by the people around me.

And then there is the experience of being foreign. It was not until recently that I was familiarized with the term “first-generation immigrant”.

At a house party in November, I met a Chinese middle age man with a five-year-old son. They were as typical as any depiction of an Asian immigrant family in American movies: the parent cautious, clearly not subscribing to American friendliness norms while the hubristic child talks in perfect American English. We exchanged our stories. He came to Austin from China for a Ph.D. in electrical engineering many years ago and has lived here since. I recounted my move from Hanoi to Minneapolis to Texas and how I am working my first full time job after college. He proceeded: “You and I are the same. You are also first generation immigrant.” It was the first time that anyone has described my identity that way. Me? An immigrant? First generation? What does that even mean?

I looked it up on Google. According to the U.S. Census:

The first generation refers to those who are foreign born. The second generation refers to those with at least one foreign-born parent. The third-and-higher generation includes those with two U.S. native parents

The term gave me the chills and a lot of thoughts. At this point in time, I am not an immigrant, I am staying here for training post college. But if and when that term applies to my life, it will carry a lot of meaning: possibilities and efforts.

As the oldest child on both sides of the family, I am not unfamiliar with doing things for the first time. I am the first kid to go to school. I am the first to enter college and do so outside of my home country. I am the first to start working. If I were to make an additional step in my life journey: attain a graduate degree, buy a house, have a family, I would likely be the first too (not that I will subscribe to this timeline but just listing possibilities.) For as long as I know, I did everything first, without anyone to emulate or seek advice from.

The reality of being the first to do anything is intimidating. A person can’t envision how they can succeed if they have never seen people who look like them achieve that before. If I want to move forward and continue to explore the unknown, I need to learn to appreciate my past accomplishments. Moving to a new country and setting up a new life is no small feat. To quote Doja Cat when she received her first Grammy Award:

"I like to downplay shit, but this? It's a big deal. Thank you, everybody."

As first gen, we can only put one foot in front of another until one day our dream materializes. Then, we can look back and choose to become a role model for someone else.

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Please share with me your first-time story in the comment section, I would love to know.

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