freedom to be imperfect
how confidence is built [50]:
I have been at home for about two weeks now and have had the chance to juxtapose my adult and childhood experiences. A recurring theme that I found myself overanalyzing is how my confidence increases over the years.
In grade school, I was acutely shy and self-conscious. I was pensive, thoughtful and needed more time than the average person to process my thought. Often, I found myself shaking before asking a question or sharing my opinion. Once it came to my turn to speak, the class has already moved on. This in and of itself is not ideal, but it is also not catastrophic as schools are the exact place where shortcomings should be tolerated and developed. I however was chided and grimaced at a lot during my twelve years in the Viet Nam’s education system. Without providing concrete ways for me to improve, adults shook their heads and complained about how inadept I am at expressing myself. I was shamed into being my imperfect self.
To my surprise, when I moved to the US for college, I was given the freedom to become myself and then better. As individuality is emphasized more in America than most places, there was little penalty for being who you are, whether you are loud, quiet, or in between. There is flexibility for people to succeed and accommodations for everyone to get there. That was one of the things that I am most grateful about living in America.
When I am not constantly reminded 24/7 about how much I deviate from society’s standard definition of “good”, I am liberated to be myself. Gradually, my shyness improved. In college, I had at least three presentations every semester, usually in front of a large clas. Not once was I forced to feel like I am not good enough even when I could always be improving. Practice, constructive feedback, and the lack of judgment have helped me become better at expressing myself: verbally and in other aspects of work and personal life.
When unraveling my experiences, I realize I bloom the more freedom I have. Six years away from home with countless decisions about which program to choose, which job offer to take, and what groups of people to associate myself with, I have grown to be more confident. When you can freely make decisions without people hovering over your shoulders, you become more assured.
One of my favorite activities post-grad is mentoring. I started volunteering in Austin and got to work with grade school kids. I realize that students love it when they can try something new and are not judged by the immediate outcomes of their attempts. I do a lot of exercises with my fourth-grade mentee: writing down answers, asking questions verbally, playing maze games on paper, coloring, etc. She often looks to me for my reactions each time she is about to do something. I am not a psychology expert but I am assuming she either wants to seek my approval to continue or my dissatisfaction to change or stop. She is a sweet kid and errs more on the shy side.
What I like to do when that happens is to keep a neutral expression regardless of her performance. If her answer is incorrect, I would suggest the correct course of action. If her answer is correct, I give her reinforcement but not excessive praise. I want her to know that no matter what she chooses to do, it is okay to not get it right all the time. Kids and adults alike, we are empowered to continue when we are encouraged regardless of the outcome.
A key component of teaching well from my experience is to not frown at unsuccessful attempts. Treat success the same as you would failure because both are integral to learning. If you think about it, babies are the best learners because they are not ashamed of being bad. They know very little and have to learn new things every waking moment. Rather than fearing to fail, they freely stumble when learning how to walk or speak with the most random string of words with zero sense of embarrassment. In a few short years, babies progress from lying on their backs to reading books and running effortlessly, an incredible achievement if you ask me.
Confidence can be built in numerous ways. One straightforward approach is to show up day after day for whatever commitment you have. When one is reliable to themselves, they have more trust in their abilities. Confidence also stems from the freedom to make mistakes and fail forward.
To be better learners and eventually masters of knowledge, we need to face the reality of us not being good all the time. Unsuccessful attempts get you closer to where you need to be; they are not a complete fiasco. As long as we are trying, we are inching closer to our end goal. I hope you let yourself be imperfect.
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Leave me a comment <3
Nice Minh!
Beautiful essay!