Give Me More Rejections, Please?

The Case for Seeking 'Nos' [11]:

Apr 15, 2022

Hi friends,

Happy April and Spring?! Texas has warped any sense of time and season for me but last time I checked, next month is May, meaning we are a month close to summer, which is… again wild. My food palete has been a mix of inspiration from winter (stews, fried), spring (lemon cake) and summer (smoothies, avocado with condensed milk and popsicles) because I am utmost confused with this Austin weather.

Life updates:

In short, I picked up my trusty hobby of cooking/baking again and have my first 2022’s publication on Collective World. My goal is to have three publications this year, so we have our first quarter objective checked off :)

Dishes I have been making: pork katsu, brioche bread, dau phu nhoi thit sot ca chua hehe, lemon chia cake, Korean fried chicken, croissant and more. Cooking is one of those things that keep my sanity in check, up there with talking to Uber drivers, Yoga with Adriene and cycling/running. My friends from out of state visited me two weeks ago, and that injected a lot of life in me as well.

In long, I would euphemistically call it “entering” a currently indefinite self-discovery and re-defining phase.

Please enjoy this running list of my recent food creations:

Discovery of the week:

Uber drivers in Austin have fascinating life stories. In the past three months, I have met drivers who are a chef on Cardi B and Snoop Dog’s private jet, a guy who was Sandra Bullock’s electrician, a German woman who rides her children to school on a horse and an upstate New York guy who went to university in Shanghai and now works in an art gallery while in graduate school. I am a Uber conversationalist convert now.

What I’m reading:

Writing Down the Bones - Natalie Goldberg
How Will You Measure Your Life - Clayton M. Christensen

Always taking reading suggestions :) please drop them down in the comments if you have a favorite one, especially by POC and Vietnamese/Asian authors. Writings on food are also highly appreciated!

Essay:

Can I Have More Rejections?

I don’t have enough rejections in my life.

Sure I am rejected by dozens of college and hundreds of job applications but those mean little in the grand scheme of things.

I grow up sheltered and comfortable. I was and am a shy person who dislikes confrontation and rejections.

In my latest job interview, I told the interviewer that I am risk-averse and I wanted it to change. She said I’d taste plenty of risky activities in that position (paraphrased). I ended up didn’t take the job because of, ironically, my risk aversion to possible disruption to my current full time schedule. Clearly, I have not yet figured that piece out.

Some examples of my fear:

Asking new friends who I have met two times in city that I’m brand new to to teach me how to parallel park.
Asking for a friend’s contacts at an event because I like them and want to stay connected.
Sharing more than superficial information about me when meeting new people.
Giving my heart to other people.
Asking for an opportunity that better fit my interests at work.
Dropping expectations of my prior education and experience to lean into something I know I’m better at but is not what I have been doing throughout college.

In my past experience, learning to deal with rejections is like going through exposure therapy: the more you experience it, the less scary it feels. With most fears that are not directly threatening to your safety or reputation, you can practice reducing them via exposure therapy. According to the American Psychological Association, “in this form of therapy, psychologists create a safe environment in which to “expose” individuals to the things they fear and avoid. The exposure to the feared objects, activities or situations in a safe environment helps reduce fear and decrease avoidance.”

moving through unfruitful attempts, doodled and visualized

Avoidance of your fears in short term might be comfortable, in the long term, it can be detrimental. I used to have a bad relationship with public speaking: whether in the classroom, at work or at home. I can’t speak when more than one pair of eyeballs are on me. When I was thirteen, my parents made me read aloud an English book in front of them and my sister. I cried, threw tantrums and grunted at my mom before they could make me speak in tears. I went to college bringing that reigning fear with me like a little souvenir from childhood, dangling like a key chain everywhere I go.

Then,

4.5 (years) x 2 (semesters) x 4 (classes) x 1 = 36 presentations

At least 36 presentations later, I can now speak with conviction that I have eradicated the fear of public speaking.

A big appreciation to Mr. B’s class (or Nat) as he liked to be called, where we had to do impromptu public speaking and mini speeches about ourselves that still somehow scared the heck out of me. Repeatedly going through the motion of being assigned a speech opportunity, building the content, writing the outline, practicing, being graded on, receiving feedback have strengthened my previously feeble public speaking muscle. I am by no means a stellar speaker but I can present without trembling or wanting to run for my life now.

In one of my favorite newsletters, Slow Growth, I was introduced to this evergreen TED Talk on 100 Days of Rejection by Jia Jiang. He conquered his fear of rejection by listing out absurd requests to do daily and film his experience. From day one of borrowing $100 from a stranger to asking to plant a flower in a person’s yard and up to becoming a lecturer at his university, he slowly identified ways to stop chickening out each time he faced rejection. On the first day of the challenge, after the stranger said no, Jia accepted his response and left immediately. A handful of encounters later, he managed to begin poking holes in people’s stances, asking why and giving more explanations on his rationale behind his silly requests.

Jiang’s experience reminded me how sorely I needed more rejections. To be venturing out enough that I am rejected. Writing with honesty and vulnerability, and this means not everyone will love what I share. Telling people that I love, adore and like being with them so that at least I receive response; a simple “No” is better than gnawing on the uncertainty of the “If” for months. Cooking elaborate breads and pastries that I have always been intimidated by. Moving forward with what I enjoy doing rather than swimming in my (not so) comfortable corporate job (it’s a work in progress).

I have always been scared of being rejected that I lead a subdued and monochrome life, usually until I am pushed to the brink.

At this point in time, I am at the brink.

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