good connection is a two way street
a lesson from my mother [40]:
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My mom once gave me a lesson that stays with me until today: “You need to open up first before others could.”
This was imparted to me when I struggled to create meaningful friendships in high school and college. My mom, more than anyone, was adamant that I share more about my life, the personal and intimate (in appropriate detail of course), the little and big moments. She called them complementary stories, aka anecdotes one could freely share to get the conversation going, get people to warm up without costing anything significant on our end.
The thing about the mother knows best principle is that my acceptance of her advice usually lags a few years after it was initially given. High school was the first time that my mom nudged me to share more openly. It wasn’t until college that I started internalizing the lesson and then postgraduate when I am whole-heartedly comfortable with her trick.
If you are an extrovert and got to this part, you might scratch your head. This sounds awfully easy. To many extroverts, sharing in the open might be the most natural thing to do. Many of my extroverted friends are comfortable with talking to anyone and on almost every occasion. I am, nevertheless, not in that camp. I don’t leave my apartment (or back then dorm’s door) open so people can drop in and say hi, nor do I fancy hosting large parties or becoming the center of attention.
For as long as I could remember, I have preferred to keep the cards close to my chest. I like to hold the most personal feelings to myself. This inclination stems from a fear of being disliked, appearing uncool, and exposing my vulnerability.
Fundamentally, there was a hesitation to share my deepest inner workings. If I admitted that I am unsure of how to deal with this project at work, would my coworkers think I am incapable? If I announced that I love writing, would the new people I just met think I am odd? Would I stick out like a sore thumb if I talked about my obsession with writing Yelp reviews and the need to be particular about croissants?
I realized the gravity of this issue when recently one of my close friends told me she didn’t fully understand me. That came from one of my best friends. I wasn’t aware that I unwittingly withheld information from her, only deciding to share a subset of how I feel with different people who, depending on contexts, might understand me better.
I recently watched the latest season of the show Love is Blind. With every passing season, it never ceases to enthrall me to see how these couples’ dynamics unfolded after not seeing each other at all during their “dating” time in the pods. They would only meet after they got engaged, completely unaware of what their partner looked like. I find this show entertaining because it is a social experiment where we might not like to participate but are all curious to observe. How are these people going to mesh up in real life after only talking through walls, not to mention they have no sense of what their fiance looks or acts like?
One of the couples named Raven and SK got my attention a few episodes in. They chose each other because of a deep emotional connection. Yet in real life, they struggled to exist in physical proximity with one another, sitting at opposite ends of the couch in their first encounter.
In one of their conversations, Raven expressed her need for SK to increase his energy level or the “razzle dazzle” in the relationship - meaning the vibes, the emotions, and the flirtation between the two of them. On the other hand, she wasn’t willing to offer any of that first. Raven was standoff-ish, on the sideline of their relationship while expecting SK to put in 80% of the work.
This is not a reality show relationship analysis, but it once again reminds me of the need to express the energy you yearn before demanding it from someone new.
There are a lot of values in being the energy torchbearer, to exude a positive, pro-active, and vivacious spirit that you want to have in the relationship. Looking at it from a slightly different angle, this is what it means to be a leader, doing the hard work and setting good examples.
When you want to befriend a new person, it is good practice to be vulnerable. People tend to mirror one another. This is called perception-behavior link, a phenomenon where you watch someone do something and are more likely to do it. It can be particularly true with elements like gestures, postures, speech patterns, moods, etc.
This research also shows that when an actor participant mimics the real participants, they unwittingly like the actors more. Mirroring other people seems to be a mechanism that holds us together, making us more likable and thus, better equipped to collaborate and care for each other collectively.
The best connections I have had so far are rooted in intimacy and true understanding. I try to not stop at surface-level knowledge but rather explore the deeper layers of a new friend - their family, friends, passions, and motivation. Get people to talk about the things that they are passionate about, whether because of intense love or hate, and you can find a natural bond.
When I open up, I make it easy for people to do the same. I set an example for them to follow if they are willing.
From the words of the wise Brene Brown:
“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
When I was scared of opening up my whole self, what I receive is closed-off, reserved connections. When I give up that fear of oversharing to dive into the deep end of what a relationship can become, I am rewarded with the most valuable connections.
Mutual passions are now my focus during conversations with new people. Do we both like fitness, writing, or watching an obscene amount of Charlie Puth tiktoks? Do we both love food and prioritize experiences over material things? Are we both bilingual and have moved to a new country to set up our life without any prior support system? There are endless avenues to connect as fellow humans, regardless of age, cultural background, and upbringing.
I ask myself how I can create space for the connection to flourish and the curiosity to expand when we are in the moment together.
So share, and be generous with your stories; the people who willingly take them in might be your next best friends.
I would like to thank Sid and Aadil for giving me feedback on this essay.
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Your mother was right. When you open up to people, they usually reciprocate but it's important to share what you feel comfortable with and with whom. Not everybody is trustworthy and it's a good idea to disclose a little at a time until you get to know them better. I have connected with some people, and it was a one-way street. When that happens, I let it go and move on. Thank you for connecting!
I can really relate to this! Growing up, I had this belief that I shouldn't get too close to anyone because I'm just gonna lose them anyway later on. I really like the quote by Brene Brown and it's still something I'm learning to balance (undersharing vs. oversharing) to this day. Thanks for sharing! :)