living in the moment

when a community can uplift you [76]:

oh to be free and present like nature

I have trouble being in the present, I really do.

If you put me side by side with my grounded boyfriend who cares very little about anything but his current moment or my friends who can stick through the most challenging jobs without plotting their escape, I might look like a lunatic.

I crave change, newness, excitement. I like to seek new opportunities, books to read, places to go, work to be involved in. I also like to prepare, plan, and organize, and that feeds perfectly into prepping for anything but the present.

When I was in Austin, I dreamt about escaping the scorching heat. When I left Austin, I thought about exploring wilder destinations. Occasionally, I missed my old routine but as I got home for two days, I started getting antsy again.

Now, what I am about to write stems from a very privileged space. I am aware of the wonderful things I have: a roof over my head, food on the table, my family and friends, my and my loved ones’ health. I have the basic survival needs and much more. In the name of being an honest writer, what follows is how I have been feeling. Maybe you can relate, maybe you don’t but I ask that you please be respectful of my experiences.

Recently, it feels like what I have is hardly good enough - my daily routine, my hobbies, my job, the future (WTF Minh, I know). I was making progress in some aspects but much behind in others. I have a palpable and constant itch to get to a better place, even though I harbor a strong feeling that I will find any new place plain the moment I get comfortable. More often than not it feels like I want to be anywhere but the present moment.

I wrote in my journal every day the things I am grateful for. Even when I was doing this, my mind wasn’t fully in it. I know that I should be grateful but I couldn’t feel the gratitude. I wanted to escape my own life.

I work from home. In the past, I’d do anything to have that flexibility yet it is my new norm and I am desensitized. My coworkers are wonderfully pleasant, a 180 from my previous workplace. I have a supportive partner and a wonderful family who loves me. It wasn’t long until I noticed how I was feeling was “wrong” and tried to fix it. I did a plethora of “wellness” activities: exercising, reading, journaling, talking to friends, meditating. I traveled, I reconnected with old friends, I saw nature, cityscape, and everything in between. My anxiety and dissatisfaction kept crawling back.

This was the moment where I realized two things: one, the popular wellness rituals cannot always bring wellness, and two, I have to get control of my own mind if I want to get over how I was feeling. I need a significant mindset shift.

I am losing every waking living moment dreaming about an alternate reality and not enjoying what I have. P has to remind me how I should refrain from discussing plans months/years into the future while we are still in the middle of something else. My doctor prescribed me anxiety medication that is untouched because I am too scared of what it could do to my psyche.

I was on the cusp of giving up but then among other reasons, I decided to go home. I packed everything into my beige Samsonite carry-on, trudged through four airports, and found myself back in the motherland, my home, Hanoi.

Being around family slowly unravels the knots and tension that I didn’t know how to loosen. They are the antidote to my highstrung-ness. My sister was on summer vacation and I wanted to see her as much as possible now that we live on two different continents. My parents are empty nesters with both of us out of the house and living abroad. As I got home, eating dinner together felt like a sacred ritual. I walked our family dog and played with him. I saw my grandma and hung out with my cousins. My best friend took a day off work to hang out with me after almost two years apart and I bore my soul to her.

my beautiful home :)

What I noticed is spending time with loved ones reminds me of how to live in the present. When I am with them, I forget about everything else that I falsely deem important: work, accolades, elaborate travel plans, etc. I felt part of something bigger, tethered to something other than myself.

According to a study by the think tank Onward, by age twenty-five just 37% of millennials belonged to a community group like a church, book club, or sports team, which is down from 48% among Gen X at that age. This statistic is from the book “The Good Enough Job” and was cited as one reason why work has stepped in to fill the void of human connections. I am no stranger to this phenomenon, like many of my peers.

I can plot for “a perfect life” all I want but at the end of the day, I need health and time to spend with the people I love. Chasing moving goalposts whether promotion, salary, or leisure is attractive but gets old fast. I was chasing a ghost when I wished, prayed, hoped for the next good thing while the best things were right in front of me.

Perhaps it is me growing older, living 9000 miles from home, realizing that we are immortal and have a limited time with each other. This line from one of my favorite songs captures it precisely:

'Cause someday we must return the movies in our brains
And these moments we can't fake
Yes, the angels never leak the expiration date

I don’t want to regret when the time comes, that I have not been present in the moments that matter. So I will use these moments to steer my attention: quality time with family and friends that I cannot relive. Laughing with my sister. Eating phở with my grandma. Eating a meal together as a family. Playing with our dog. Catching up with my long-distance best friend over tea and cakes.

This is how I want to live.

---

Thank you for reading Life with MD publication. If you like this essay, feel free to share it with a friend.

Leave me a comment!!