making a new country home
one advice to survive a new environment [69]:
I had a friend T. who a year ago left Viet Nam for the US for her advanced degree. She has worked to find her footing here for some time and half-jokingly talked about the prospect of quitting.
Her experience mirrors what I went through when I first got to the US. It is a common feeling: loneliness, not feeling like you belong, feeling out of place. I tried to console her with my personal experiences and assure her that things would eventually get better.
I had another friend P. who went to Canada a few years back for school and left within two months because she was shocked by the weather and living situation. She wasn’t ready for everything that greeted her: the suburbia, the quiet, the lack of commotion, and people’s interaction vs. those back home, even at how expensive groceries are.
It is most natural to struggle when you move to a new country or culture. It’s okay to not be okay. Mental and practical preparation are key to making a new life work. Double the amount of effort you think you need to prepare - talk to people, read about the new environment, let go of expectations of what a new life can be. Keep in mind that your life will never be the same and it is part of the journey now.
It was non-linear to find a life of my own when I moved to America and I boiled it down to not understanding the culture. According to Buddhism, the first element of True Love is loving kindness and a big portion of loving kindness is understanding.
A lot of human clashes stem from a lack of understanding. You can’t tolerate something or someone let alone like them if you don’t understand. More than anything, I was easy to judge and wanted an intuitive rationale for why people behave and live the way they live. I was frustrated because I didn’t understand the society around me and didn’t make a true attempt to. Parties dominate college social life and I was the last person to enjoy a rowdy room with drunk college students. I hadn’t had a command of small talk just yet - the bread and butter of American conversations.
It’s easy to create a wall between groups of people and think they are different than us. Fortunately, my mom nudged me in the right direction when I shared my social qualms. "They are people and we are the same at the end of the day. Just start the conversation.”
In hindsight, my progression feels clear but in reality, the gradual acceptance of my new life looks like this chart. It was a roller coaster of emotion that over time got me closer to a point of being okay.
Throughout my six years, onto the seven in America, I found a gaping hole with international students sharing their voices and experiences. There is that common homesick conversation and learning to “talk like an American” workshop in college. They barely scratched the surface of life as an international student. When you move halfway across the world, the biggest challenge is not the distance between your old and new life but how the way of life shifts. And each person’s life shifts uniquely.
From restarting a social life to getting familiar with a new set of social norms. Then there are the cuisine and holiday celebration differences. One can’t easily spend time with friends or family when she needs support. For some of us, there are hurdles of working as an international student and the financial burden of living abroad if one comes from a developing country and moves to a wealthy nation. When one elects to study in a different country, most of the challenges here are expected regardless they are overwhelming.
When people struggle to fit in with a new life, especially abroad, I tell them this: it’s going to be hard but it will get better. You have to stick it out. That is the only way you are going to get out of these feelings.
I used to cry on the phone with my best friend over how much I wanted to be back. I refused to leave my parents’ couch when I had to fly back to Minneapolis for my final semester. Things felt impossible back then but they did not stay the same. I am the last person to say that I seamlessly acclimated to the American culture.
The more you accept the culture and try to understand the people around you, the quicker it will be to get used to a new place. There is no magic cure or quick fixes. You make it right by living your life, being open, and letting the new life get into you.
Then one day you find yourself craving a latte from your local coffee shop, missing running in a park near your apartment, buying fancy cheese to make pasta, and finding a mentor who believes in you or a roommate who you appreciate. That is when you realize, hey this is my new life.
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Having moved cities, countries, and continents more times than I care to count, this is so relatable!! Loved reading you.