my new communication guideline

only the bravely honest can join [38]:

a true friendship is one that can handle both

The Travelling Companions, 1862. Artist: Augustus Leopold Egg

I have been building out this routine with one of my best friends from high school. We don’t talk much as this friend doesn’t log onto Facebook nor does she have an Instagram account. Our sole way of communication is via a Vietnamese messaging app called Zalo.

We semi-developed a cadence of talking on the phone every few weeks, sometimes once a month, usually Friday night in the US for me and Saturday morning in Viet Nam for my friend. This friend, let’s call her T. is not great at communicating and outreaching, good thing for us I am a superstar outreacher.

It’s funny to me how we managed to maintain this eight-year-friendship. My friend would not reply to my texts for days at once, and yet when we pick things up on our monthly call, everything falls back into its orbit.

Let me explain.

This outwardly haphazard and inconsistent friendship is rooted in what I like to lovingly call radical candor. If you don’t know what radical candor is, imagine it being an act that challenges directly yet cares personally. This terminology was termed by Kim Scott and elaborated in her book with the same name. Kim built her career around a simple goal, of “creating bullshit free zones for people to work together.”

Here is how our radical-candor-friendship works.

Whenever we are in a space together, we make our exchanges fundamentally open and honest. We can love yet confront directly without fear of hurting the other person. Once we set our expectations and basis for this friendship, it was easy to continue building on the foundation and deepening the relationship.

photo from radicalcandor.com

In winter of 2020, I was having a great internship experience. I moved to Ho Chi Minh city and got to work under a wonderful woman who then changed my career trajectory. Meanwhile, T. was struggling with her Big 4 internship, working late nights and on multiple weekends. It was not something she was used to always having had reasonable schedule and a good work life balance. We were in different cities but would chat up past midnight. While I gushed over how much I loved my job, she was close to shedding tears because of her job demands.

As inexperienced I was with the working world then, I shared my perspective and T. open-mindedly took that in. There was never any “you don’t understand where I am coming from” argument or “you are just saying this because you are enjoying your work” brought up in the conversation. I made my best effort to empathize and cheer her on while she managed to be happy for me all the while going under an immense amount of stress.

When I started my full time job in spring of 2022, I underwent a mentally taxing phase at work a few months in. T. was always there on almost every end-of-work-day walk where I debriefed my day in our calls. I talked about my job, the good, the bad, the ugly. She talked about her family, a cousin who is gifted in school then went rogue post grad. When we are in a conversation, nothing is off limits, and everything is safe. We built a trusting zone together. I would like to think we are unlicensed therapists to one another.

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Recently, she told me that she wanted to drive a lot of changes in her work and life, yet there were some mental hurdles that kept holding her back. After some requisite acknowledgements and active listening, I launched into a speech about how she could potentially address them being hasty and natural problem solver.

She talked about her job and each time, I kept telling her how I admire her patience to stay put and see the best potential in it for close to two years even though I know she doesn’t like it.

I brought up the topic of my chaotic dating life and jokingly proposed her selecting good candidates for my marriage material. The, she confidently declared that I could never be in love with a person who is too nice.

“You need to be with someone who can deal with your antics and challenge your unruly thought processes and ambitions.”

I was taken aback and humbled but also realized I am so loved because she can see right through me.

Reflecting on this special friendship makes me realize the deep relationships I maintain in my life now, the majority if not all of them are built on honesty and care. I am willingly vulnerable and encouraging while also offer truthful feedback even when you think you don’t need it.

I expect the same from my friends and loved ones.

Now, I look for people that have a sufficiently strong sense of self that they can take constructive feedback yet possess compassion that they make me feel respected and cared for too. I build relationships based off radical candor, how we can love yet allow one another to grow vastly.

With my earnestness and love, I want to invite you to join me, but only if you can carry the candor and are comfortable receiving it.

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