relationships, re-examined
takeaways from a year of vulnerability [46]:
I am an introvert, through and through. I prefer being alone to a fault and often don’t feel lonely. But time and time again I found companionship to be rewarding, and I made a serious attempt at improving my social life this year. At the beginning of 2022, I recorded a podcast on my projection of how my journey of finding friends in a new city would look like.
As we are halfway through December, I can say with confidence that this year was one of the best years of my life with social connections. I wrote a lot about relationships this year and they are very popular with readers. Check them out at the end of this post if you like :)
After some friendship rekindling, fizzling out, heartbreaks, arguments with people who I never thought I would, and then, becoming friends with people who I never thought I could, here are six learnings on relationships solidified from 365 days of an introvert trying to be a better people person:
Actions speak louder than words
Assess people based on what they do, not what they say. I find that people tend to overcompensate with verbal communication when they are afraid that they cannot do something. The most accurate reflector of what a person thinks and values is through their actions. If they say they want to be someone important in your life and don’t put in the effort to make that happen, take their action as a true predictor of their intention.
Time is the most effective tool
To determine the true intention of a person with you. Let every relationship run its course, don’t rush because you confuse the potential of a relationship with what it really is. For me that means not getting excited over the potential of a relationship before it deserves it.
People are nuanced
I have always thought I am a good judge of character. But the truth is people are complex and nuanced in a way that can’t be gauged from a couple of interactions - hence using time as your most effective tool. After some fallouts with people I trusted, realizing they keep me in their lives for practical reasons and not because of genuine care was one of the most eye-opening moments of my early 20s.
People can be nice and manipulative. People can be vulnerable and uncaring. People can be helpful and indifferent to your mental health. Learning to accept that conflicting qualities do exist and that not everyone is a total sweet package or complete evil helps me filter out the people I want to keep and those I don’t.
Relationships > Almost everything else
I underestimate the power of people (friends, partner, teachers, etc.) for a long time. They do make or break your life - good friends help you build good habits, good teachers encourage and provide knowledge, and a good partner takes care and looks out for you in trying times. I realize I physically cannot overcome hardships without great people in my life, I am so grateful for their support.
In terms of work, after a year in the working world, I am at the point where I am willing to work in a good team or for a good leader rather than pick a title or company to aim for. Good people have incredible power to uplift and open doors for opportunities. I implore you to choose people over material things, reputation or job titles.
No more chasing
Chasing friends, chasing crushes, chasing communities that are not meant for you. The right people will be there for you and you only have to exist as your true self.
It is good to put in the time and effort, but when you realize that you are the only one who is putting in the work, it’s a good time to pull away and find yourself better person. The people who require you to constantly chase after are not worth it.
Develop breadth and depth
For a long while, I jump at every opportunity to develop a breadth of connections, adding people to my list like they are medals. But humans are not things to collect; we are meant to be humans together, bonded over collective experiences and empathy.
I found the most fulfillment in my connections when I shift my view from seeing people as potential to “network” to potential friends. I shared this in November when I had a chance to speak to fellow international students at the University of Minnesota - shout out to Jane for having me back!
The best network you can tap into is one based on personal knowledge and/or shared experiences.
If you enjoy reading about relationships, check out my most loved posts on the topic this year:
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Leave me a comment <3
Minh!! This is my FAVORITE essay by you so far!! The opening paragraphs are written so clearly. I'm so impressed!!
As someone who sees life a little bit differently, I just wanted to share a few thoughts / reflections that came to mind as I was reading:
Re: #1 — I believe intent >> actions and words. For example, you might see people with beautiful intent mix up their words or actions. Coming from a good place is everything IMO. Outcomes matter of course .. but judging everything by action feels a bit cold / unfair to me .. Like I do a lot of crazy things that on the outside might seem nonsensical, but I promise it's usually not from bad intent!
Re: #2 — Totally with you on this!! Loved how you pointed that people are nuanced and complex! I believe everyone is unique, and may act differently in different circumstances, or at different stages in their life, etc. This to me is like saying water is wet. Of course people can change; everyone can pick up a different POV. Sure, are some people are more stubborn than others? Yeah, but that's all a part of the whole thing..
Re: #4 — Also with you on this!! I live for relationships. I'll happily travel across the whole world for them, or do anything really 🤠. Relationships are so key for me, and I can't imagine a life without them.
Keep writing! You're doing great!!
Are people really so nuanced? Neither nice/manipulative nor vulnerable/uncaring are mutually exclusive as either specific descriptions of behaviour or general character traits. But when generalising about character, some qualities really are incompatible. You can’t be a morally good person on the whole whilst regularly killing babies for amusement; you can’t, on the whole, be said to care deeply about someone when rarely integrating their wellbeing into your decision-making architecture, when relevant.
On another note, I came to the same realisation in my twenties regarding being kept around for practical reasons as you; it wasn’t so bad, I reckon. As a rule of thumb people don’t care about almost anyone else all that much, and it’s striking when you see how deep that rabbit hole goes.