the lonely epidemic
analysis + discussion on modern loneliness [5]:
tw: mention of mental health illnesses of depression and anxiety. Proceed with caution.
Have there been times where you undergo crippling loneliness and isolation, despite being in the middle of a crowd?
Like being on campus between 40,000 students of the same age.
Like in a classroom of 30 students and not make a single friend despite four months of taking the same class together twice a week.
As millennials and Gen-Zers, we are attached to the world of social media. We are more connected than ever, yet many of us feel lonely on a regular basis. What’s going on?
According to Statista, 33% of adults globally reported feeling lonely. Within America, that figure is 36% for all adults and 61% for young adults (Harvard Graduate School of Education)
I read Lost Connections by Johann Hari two years ago, after my experience with depression in 2019. The book has since transformed the way I look at loneliness and depression.
Johann explores nine main causes of depression and anxiety: most of which have little to do with the traditional view of chemical imbalance in the brain that have been popularized by the pharmaceutical industry and Western medicine for decades.
In today’s newsletter, I’m going to explore three causes from Hari’s book that I particularly resonated with:
Reason #1: Disconnection from meaningful work
First thing first, a disconnection from meaningful occurs when the worker feels like she/he has little to no sense of control at work. It does not mean that if they work in a blue collar, labor intensive job, they would automatically be granted with this status for life. What Hari found was that one is significantly more likely to be depressed, also more likely to have a heart attack if he or she is stuck in a depressing job, that is he/she having little control over.
I shared the same sentiment when I was going through an academic program that I found little meaning or connection to. I was going through the motion for months. I didn’t have a sense of purpose or control over my life directions, and that spiraled into depression.
In the classroom where we were introduced to the topic of corporate purpose, vision and mission statement, I’d find my mind checking out and drifting anywhere but where it should be.
Reason #2: Disconnection with other people
Second, a disconnection with other people can prompt loneliness and depression. The work of Dr. John Cacioppo showed that feeling lonely can cause your cortisol to rise as high as being physically attacked. Another study by professor Sheldon Cohen also found that people who are more lonely are more vulnerable to the cold virus, three times as likely to catch the cold when exposed to the virus than those who have lots of connections.
Many other researches later on arrived at the same conclusion that even though depression causes loneliness, loneliness can also lead to depression.
As humans we are wired to thrive in a community, evolving from the original hunter-gatherer establishment in savannahs where we looked for food together and looked out for each other. If you’re lonely on that savannah, you are bound for danger and vulnerable for any risks that come your way.
Naturally, humans evolve to have heightened stress and alertness when we are lonely, because then we have to fend for ourselves. In fact, that stress also nudges you to come back to your group or tribe for better support.
“Evolution fashioned us not to only feel good when connected but also secure.” - John Cacioppo
Reflecting inward, my time in university in the U.S. was filled with moments of defensiveness, excessive fear and skepticism towards people and actions. I was lonely and disconnected chronically that I developed a defensive mechanism to protect myself.
I was in a classroom filled with people but I couldn’t make a single friend. Freshman year, I stayed in a dorm with hundreds other students yet felt like the entire place was filled with robots. I talked to my advisors and school mentors on the regular, yet I couldn’t see much genuine care from them.
On the light rail, I’d stand off at one side of the train car, not facing or talking to anyone for fear of being mugged, attacked or teased at by random people. I spent little time with new people and wanted to shut down any socialization efforts as soon as possible. All three years (I spent 1.5 year studying remotely from home), there was one thing constant in my mind, I wanted to come home, to Viet Nam.
Reason #3: Disconnection from meaningful values
Lastly, a disconnection from meaningful values can also lead to depression.
This brings us to the topic of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is derived from an inherent desire within you, that is you are prompted to do something because it’s personally rewarding.
i.e. a habitual runner might run because she benefits from the runners’ high after each session.
Extrinsic motivation however, prompts you to complete an action that will bring about external validation like a monetary reward, accolade or recognition.
Professor Tim Kasser, Peter Schmuck and Richard Ryan conducted a study where they tracked 200 participants’ goals and identify with them whether their goals are intrinsic or extrinsic, and asked the participants to track their mood diary. The findings were that people who achieved their extrinsic goals didn’t increase their day-to-day happiness. These extrinsic goals can range from financial success, social recognition, etc.
On the other hand, people who achieved their intrinsic goals became happier, through intrinsically motivated goals like self-acceptance, community feeling, etc.
Reflecting inward, the periods where I’m most depressed is when I’m in the worst phases of self-comparison and yearning for empty recognition and values. Sophomore year, I spent hours on LinkedIn admiring at my peers amazing internships and summer jobs announcements, ashamed at the few lines on my resume. I was blinded by the shiny jobs and titles, the coolest and newest thing that the ‘best’ students were running towards.
I remember seeing my high school friends on Instagram having fun at college, while I spent my Fridays curled up in bed, watching Netflix until 4 o’clock in the morning. I have never been a partier but somehow felt like I was missing out on something I couldn’t put a name on. Was I supposed to be ‘having fun’ like they are too?
It’s tricky to navigate and stand your values in a noisy world. It’s a work in progress that I’m still learning now.
This essay is getting rather long, and I do want to discuss solutions to the aforementioned causes of loneliness/depression in the future. So please look out for it 😊
Thank you so much for reading!
This week’s newsletter is quite different from my prior updates and writings, I hope you like it. Be my guest to to comment down below your thoughts on this piece and/or experiences with loneliness, let’s make this a safe space for mental health conversations!
So insightful. Keep up the sharing Minh