to decide is to commit
the case against optionality [67]:
How often do we ask ourselves why we do a certain thing, made the choices we did, keep the friends we have and live the lives we live? Do we defer our decision-making to wait for an optimal scenario? Do we let others dictate how we are going to live because it puts less pressure on us?
I talked to my boyfriend about this on a morning walk. I mull over how a chain of events led me to where I am today and how each decision signals what I prioritize, sometimes before the conscious brain can register. I love looking back into the past and see how my early interest in the written words led me to writing, how my quick grasp of language led me to studying abroad in America, how my stubbornness defies what others expect I could do, etc.
“It was impossible to connect the dots looking forwards when I was in college, but it was very clear looking backwards ten years later… so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.
You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.” - Steve Jobs
If you have not listened to this 2005 speech by Steve Jobs on connecting life’s dots, I highly recommend you do so here.
On reflecting on life’s paths, I noticed my life tends to go through intense phases like a caterpillar with its metamorphosis. In some periods, life felt like a whirlwind. This momentum usually brought me to a higher point when I poured my heart and soul into an endeavor. After I rode the wave, life moved back to its slow cadence - repetitive, predictable until I sought changes. I have also noticed the effects of good timing in life - how “the stars aligned” to make things work. At times, I put in the work and didn’t feel the momentum. The clarity on whether to move on or keep going eluded me. That made me question how much command I have over my life if I only strive when there is a wave to ride to a higher point.
The tricky thing is I am open to a lot of things: knowledge, jobs, fields, etc. I am okay with living in different places, unlike a lot of my friends who are determined to make it in a certain country/city, etc.
The beauty and ugliness of life lie in the unpredictability and I choose to deal with them by straddling between options. I delay choosing for fear of missing a good option. When I had to choose whether to leave my old job, I hit a wall. Stepping away from the job can equate to giving up the life I have built in America. Would I be happy if I left? Would I be happy if I stayed? I didn’t know. I spent eight miserable months debating quitting. I hated making a decision when there is no clear outlook. My therapist was likely tired of me for coming to her with the same set of questions: What should I do? What would happen if I chose X/Y/Z? What is the right choice?
In the end, I made a decision anyway and I am glad I am on the other side.
Life goes on and more decisions need to be made on the horizon. I should be better but I keep my old ways with delayed decision making. I thought my openness to possibilities was great - meaning I am flexible, easygoing, chill even! I revisit something I need to decide about which I have been uncertain for six years. I am always asked about this and historically responded with whatever happens happens. I tried to keep my expectations low and disappointment to a minimum by being “open” to anything. Some people told me I should do A, some said B. I didn’t bother because I don’t like being told. I was however recently reminded by someone close to me that I have to make that choice. Time is finite.
The power of firm decision-making is underrated. Only after you have decided on a thing will you commit to that choice. You feel personally responsible for saying yes, for agreeing to a person, a goal, a place, etc.
In the past, I have set out clear goals before tackling them. When I was on the cusp of graduating, I was fixated on moving out of the Midwest. Two months before graduation, I learned that I was going to work in Texas. I sought out to write every week for an entire year when I started this Substack and that was exactly what I did.
When I am on the fence about making a decision, subconsciously I don’t want to commit or put in the work just yet. It’s easier to drag my feet and prolong a period where I can defer responsibility.
There is a time for openness and time for decision making. When you choose to decide, you are ready to bind yourself to it.
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Leave me a comment!
Just recently found your newsletter and your writing is absolutely beautiful. Not only because what you talk about is insightful, but because you manage to put together words in a way that is musical and clean. Excited to read more in the next year :-)
Totally feel that with feeling like you’re open to different things, but then getting stuck, I did the same thing with my old bad job too. Kept waiting for a better option to come along, and it didn’t or I couldn’t comprehend it then. It really is the best being on the other side!