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the times where i feel most like myself [35]:
Last weekend I went on a hike to Garden of Gods in Colorado Springs, a day trip an hour away from Denver, Colorado. I kept dreaming about it days afterwards because I live in a flat city; I see no sea or mountain in my daily life in Austin, before that Minneapolis and Hanoi. Few things can make me more joyful than nature in its full force, with little tampering of human influence: high rises, noises or hustle culture.
A four hour trip meandering across trails of the Garden of Gods, playing and climbing with the red rocks, good companionship and unbelievably grounding conversations, I left floating on air - think a good 15-minute meditation times one thousand. In doing my research for this essay, I found there are findings on how introverts like mountains better than flatlands hah!
That wonderful experience is owed all to play, what gives me a sense of childlike wonder, silliness and carefreeness. Among nature, all of us are equal. Unless you are a professional rock climber or are extremely fit, we are all futile in front of big rocks and the mountains. Then there are the trees and shrubs, a peaceful deer staring at us above the parking lot, the stunning view we get when we climb to the top to admire.
We were climbing onto (admittedly not that rough or high) rocks, and struggled to get up. There were two extremely kind fellow humans who encouraged and taught us about correct grips, foot placement and generally believing in ourselves when all of us as amateurs thought it was close to impossible to get to the top of elevation.
After one single day in the mountains, I was prompted to think about what and when I feel my best. At first, my mind went back immediately to the usual, traditional sense of accomplishment that I always think of. Might it be when I get a promotion, a raise or an offer letter from a dream company. Might it be when I got to a certain number of followers, or likes or attention with my many side projects - this newsletter being one that I am most serious about.
All of the above are not to be dismissed. I do need and require them to feel that I’m advancing in some aspects of my professional life. And when do financial benefits stop being important? I would be naive to say that external validation and accolades don’t matter or don’t carry a considerable weight in how I choose to spend my time and dedicate my focus on the day-to-day. With the candor of an ENFP and Cancer, I have to share that I worry about my job, my salary and growth way too much for a recent college graduate. It’s a recurring topic of discussion every day, with my peers, mentors, and in my journal. If you followed me for a while on this newsletter, you might have noticed my fixation on career growth and having a clear vision right away. That concern pulls at my mental health for a long long time.
Last week in one of my Facetime calls with my mom, she brought up a point that I seem to finally be “integrating into society”, whatever that means. My mom was the person who follows my journey with its ups and downs the most closely. I don’t know where I would be without her listening ears and no BS attitude. She saw me crying before bed every night when I first started my full time job to finally being secure with my presence in this whole wide world. I don’t know everything yet of course, in fact, I think I realize I even know less than before. But that acknowledgement has helped a lot because now I can comfortably be a novice in everything and still be cheerful and curious about my growth. New experiences can still uncomfortable but when I am aware of the potential hurdles, somehow the experiences feel less taxing.
Adding to that, I started befriending really diverse people, opening my hearts and letting them into my life. From elementary school kids that I mentored to friends that are of my parents age, I am happy to build new connections. I was fortunate enough that my workplace had an incredible diversity in thought and background: I work with people from Panama, China, and Mexico on a daily basis. If that is not accelerated learning for making friends cross-cultural I don’t know what is. I also got exposed to people of diverse races and ethnicities for the first time, even after close to five years in America. This is where I learned to be truly open as well as become a good listener and ally.
Big milestones are not unimportant; I actually love them as much as an overachiever. I am however learning to take the backseat for a while and not constantly chasing big shiny goals. For me now, achievements in the traditional sense of job, financial or careers are enabler to spend even more time in doing things that I love the most, whether in nature, playing with art and creativity or spending time with interesting humans (and dogs!).
If one’s most fundamental requirements are not met, it’s not easy to think about more idealistic activities like play, purpose or fulfillment. Regardless, it is these moments in complete nature that remind me what is the most meaningful in my life.
To me, curiosity and compassion will propel human kind forwards and I will live by it.
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