writing from the middle
getting off social media and living in the present [73]:
These days I don’t know what to write about. I used to write about my woes, other times my celebratory moments - running my first 5K, 10K, half marathon, traveling, leaving a toxic job, finding love.
Last year, I lost myself for a while. Then I fell in love hard and wanted to preserve all the nice moments to myself. I am scared of good things breaking if I share them widely. I want to be private more than ever. I haven’t been on Instagram for almost a year. I stop sharing updates on Facebook. I exclusively keep in touch with people through private messages and phone calls, through which I feel alive and genuinely connected. It’s one-on-one, at most four-on-four but we are talking with each other directly, not through a masked veil on a social media feed.
There was a moment in the past year when I debated returning to Instagram. I was bored and to be honest, slightly uninspired. I create art by admiring other creatives’ work. Instagram is a great place for that with creatives convening from all the fields I love: food, travel, writing, mindful living. I miss that when I am off the platform. Thankfully, I gain many things when I am off it - quality time with loved ones, less peer pressure, and time to focus on growing myself.
My time away from social media selfishly has been for my mental health as well as growth. Before I left, was over-sharing around the clock: where I travel, what I eat, who I meet, and how I feel about every major event. I was over-communicating with acquaintances and friends and at the same time watching their every move: vacations, parties, social events, achievements. There is a disconnect between what people choose to show on social media and what reality is like. Logically, one should notice that it is not rainbows and butterflies every day for all. Nevertheless, when you go online where success and celebration dominate your vision, it is tempting to go back to your life and think “shit, my life is [inserts negative descriptive adjectives here] - [boring], [unaccomplished], [uninspired]. I am [falling behind], [not brave enough], [lonely].”
I admit I have a warped perception when it comes to seeing what people put on Instagram. That alone makes my time on Instagram torturous when life is not going my way (believe it or not, most people’s lives don’t go how they want anyway) I am easily and heavily affected by highlight reels. Stepping away from those noises saves me from the self-inflected jealousy, doubt, and impatience for when my life can be “that good”.
Back to what I said in the beginning of this post, I have two main reasons why I am not sure what to share:
1. I want to keep my life private.
2. I am not accomplishing anything major.
Most of us share when a milestone is accomplished. When things are hard and uncertain in the middle, we tend not to share because what is there to share about? Most days, life feels routine now that I am with someone who is habitual - which I appreciate. Life is mundane and unglamorous but it is not not beautiful. I find new experience to try out and keep me occupied and that adds variety to daily life.
This Substack continues to be my love even though I am not writing as often. I simply don’t have a big announcement or discovery. It might be the dying hubris I had plenty of two years ago that is now dwindling.
Are there things I wish to be different in my life - Yes. Am I anticipating a day when things are not as uncertain as they are now - Yes. Nevertheless, I am living with what I have and trying to show up as best as I can every day. I am slowly letting go of the belief that life has to be grand, amazing, and legendary as soon as I step into the adult world. A good number of us grew up with the thought “I must be doing something great with my life.” I have that too and believed in it for the longest time. My perception of greatness however evolves through time. Is it the traditional definition of winning an international accolade, building a multi-million dollar business, or becoming a best-selling author? Or is it something else entirely that makes life fulfilling? I am figuring it out while being in the middle when all is muddled.
At the end of the day, all we have is the now. The end goal is euphoric but the middle is where all the magic happens. Trust the process.
Wherever you are, there you go - Confucius
Thank you for reading Life with MD. Follow along for essays every month on intentional living and navigating life away from home.
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this this this !!! I enjoyed reading this because like you, I’ve been off of Instagram for a good 7months as well and while it’s genuinely refreshing (for my mental health) and overall well being, it also feels like I’m missing out sometimes? But then also, I’ve got the added benefit of time now and spending it being present which has been, so rewarding!! Although yes, it often, life feels like it’s not “happening” as much but I guess, that’s the beauty of it right? That- it maybe unglamourous and mundane but not- not beautiful. Which means that it’s, real. Not a filtered/reel like/romanticised version of something, because all days can’t be happening smh. And honestly, I’m so glad and happy that you keep showing up even while being somewhere in the middle. Because I think we’re so used to the idea of a beginning and an ending milestone that we often don’t talk about the mundane, the in-between, the journey of it, of doing life itself, which infact is what makes it so wholesome to do. :’)
This is one of my favorite pieces of yours. Extremely adult feeling, I learned from it!