Evolution of Love
What I Learn About Love [30]:
I always wonder about love.
Such a hard to grasp, elusive sensation. What is even unconditional love, does that exist? How about love between platonic friends? When can I consider what I have with my best friends love? How do I know I can trust and feel safe with them in the present and going forward?
How about family love? If they betray and hurt you so badly, can I still consider what we have love or just attachment out of habit and history?
I think too much about relationships in my life: ones between friends, family and every person that can fit in between. One thing I rarely think about is the type of love that I want and need. The type of love that is enduring, reliable and safe. The type of love that is trustworthy, comforting and predictable.
I grew up in an abundance of love, but I don’t think it is unconditional. In my head, there was always an impending fear that if I did something wrong, say broke a vase, ruined the family’s reputation or acted up at school that I wouldn’t be loved anymore. Even as a small child, I knew hypothetically that if I turned out to be gay, never go to college or marry, love was going to be the first thing on the line. To me, my family love has boundaries, with terms and conditions. I was scared of being out of bounds and so I didn’t do anything “crazy” or “different”. I had to do the ‘right things’ so I could get my share of love.
Then school age came, and I found a new type of love: friendships. How innocent and valuable these can be. Two or more people with shared interests, schedule or activities that bring them back together. These can be platonic or not, last a few months or many years and can be just as unpredictable as anything can be in life.
Love can be so wonderful, because it makes you feel heard, included and cared for. It’s the fuzzy feeling that you can rely on someone for something that you can or cannot provide for yourself. It’s the comfort that you have someone to send a stupid meme to at 2am when you have cried yourself to sleep because of stress. It’s the late nights going over childhood stories: how we used to look, went through tough phases and got to where we are at this point today, together. Love can come in many different forms and shapes, colors, and iteration. I have had best friends for years and one day they just vanished. I have had friends who were on and off for a long period but due to a shift in life events, grew very close.
It’s the stark reality of adulthood that teaches me that love can be a mixed bag. You are putting your hand in without looking and see what you get. You may get a shiny gem but you may also get a lump of coal. These days, I stop calling everyone I know friends. I have many acquaintances but not many “friends”.
A part of that learning also means to lower expectations, even if that translates to disregarding the enthusiasm someone expresses in the many initial times you met, their willingness to hang out and be together. Sometimes, those performative expression mean very little without actual action. From my experience, a failproof measure of how much a person care for you is how often they check on you before you make an attempt to do so. Are you the friend who 9 out 10 times reach out first and suggest for things to do? Then, this person might not be a friend but more so an acquaintance who benefits from your efforts.
I stop planning out relationships when I realize so. Believe it or not, I used to have a list of qualities and characteristics that I want in a partner. I thought they had to be a certain way or else I can’t ever like them. Then I met someone who virtually checked off every boxes. I left the conversation with a bad taste in my mouth.
It’s gullible to plan out my feelings, similar to how I can’t precisely plan out my life in one or five years. I can carve out rough outlines for sure, but I cannot put down exact details of how all that is going to unfold.
In Ava Huang’s essay on safety, she wrote about how her ideal relationship (can be any relationship, not just romantic) should look like, that:
Can we make each other feel safe?
If so, can we challenge each other?
“Having the latter without the former is just disastrous. Having the former without the latter is disappointing.”
I feel this deeply.
At this point, all I want is love that is predictable, straightforward and uncomplicated. Love that means I can wholeheartedly trust somebody. Love that means an unwavering belief that they will show up no matter what. Love that doesn’t keep me up and make me a better person.
So tell me, what does your ideal love look like?
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Love from friendships is important for me too, and is ranked second, only after family on my love scale. Like you, I appreciate a few who are there with me during the toughest time, and also those who are still there, never question, trust and encourage me fully even when I do crazy things that seem out of bound. Friendship goes on and off, but I also hope that these people can stay for long too :)
To me, ideal love looks like two people forming a team to weather any storm life throw at us. We don't compete with each other, we grow together, evolve together and put in all the effort to achieve common goals.
I agree that in the end, we should seek for love that is "predictable, straightforward, and uncomplicated", because life is unpredictable, full of ups and downs, and extremely complicated. Dealing with life is enough, we don't have to deal with each other.