how to be less envious

find an anchor and accept reality [86]:

Rough Weather by Samuel Owen, 1805

I have noticed my envy and jealousy growing ever since the increased use of social media for personal facades and highlight reels. In high school, I used to look at people’s profiles and admire how beautiful/confident/talented/effortless they seemed. I developed an image of people effortlessly moving through life without considering a realistic look at how they might get to where they are. I ended up feeling shit about myself every time.

This pattern ebbs and flows throughout the years. Over time, I cared less, but the comparison never went away entirely.

There are comforting lines, stories, and quotes that can be said to lessen my envy and sense of inferiority but the most striking blow that I have been telling myself for the past two years is this:

I am living the exact life I want to live. I can’t complain about the state of things if I don’t make changes.

Writing this I am aware of elements outside of our locus of control: upbringing, health, others’ reciprocity, natural disasters, etc. but then if we are talking about tangible aspects of life: job, money, social circle, personal fulfillment, etc. the ability to change is within yourself.

I read on Substack that to like what you write, you need to rise to the level of your taste. If you don’t like a changeable thing in your life, change it.

If I complain that I am lonely, it is because I haven’t made enough effort to go out and meet new people. If I am always panting on my runs, it is because I have only run four times this month and that is not enough to make progress. I like to eat out a lot but it is not sustainable for my finances. Well, then it’s my responsibility to figure out a way to make more money to sustain my desired lifestyle.

This realization can extinguish my comparison nightmare. I look at others and see how cool that they finish half marathons at great paces. There is a huge temptation to feel terrible about yourself when you see others’ achievements. It is easy to think that people attain the accomplishments they have without breaking a sweat. It is enticing to believe that pain and perseverance are not shared experiences, especially if I only look at the end result. My brain tricks itself by believing in the path to least resistance, it would rather be jealous than do the work.

If I start feeling shit about that, I need to accept that I either 1) Should lace up my shoes and start training or 2) Suck it up because I am not willing to put in the hours.

I wrote about finally admitting the kind of work I like in authenticity. Work, for a long time, has been a sore topic that affects my self-worth. The moment where I freed myself of envy was to admit that no, I don’t want to work in an office five days a week and be part of the corporate hustle culture (unless I have no other choice). I was in a strange state of envy and hatred before this admittance. On one hand, I don’t like my corporate job and fret that all future jobs will be the same. On the other, I can’t tear myself away from the ego boost and stability a “big girl” job in a big company can grant me.

Envy is an interesting emotion because it feels ugly, dramatic, and angry. You get mad at people and situations when you are envious. Hatred is a telling emotion, as in, people who are so anti [insert thing/belief/action] that they plot their lives around destroying that thing. Hate and obsession are closely entangled. If you have the energy to hate something or someone, you are putting energy into it. If you don’t care enough, you will just drop the topic.

No one ever told me when I was growing up that I got to figure out what I like in life. What it is that I am willing to sacrifice my time and effort for. This will be my anchor throughout all the hard stuff in life. If I don’t know what I like, I am dangling in the middle, looking onto others to see where to follow. Everyone needs an anchor, and I mean everyone - whether they are sports, arts, professional skills, etc. For this reason, I am finally discovering a world where I can choose an anchor, let it take over my life, and be there when for example my personal life hits rock bottom.

Many years ago, I listened to a podcast by Ali Abdaal that mentions how having multiple identities helps you become more resilient in the face of life crises. Say you are good at tennis and your job. If you are laid off, you have more than one thing to count on for your identity. You can feel good about your good tennis skills vs. losing everything Another example might be a stay-at-home mom, when her kids are old and leave the house, wouldn’t she feel empty when most of her adult life revolves around taking care of children? This is where having a good anchor comes in handy.

I feel like envy usually stems from the madness that is contained in not knowing what you want. If you decide that you want X and are sure about it, you can start researching how to achieve it and make steps towards it. If you are constantly unsure, your body and mind are confused. You think you want one thing and you see others doing something else. You start questioning yourself if what you choose is correct. Then it starts a whole spiral where you vie for things that you don’t even know if you want.

Insecurity and lack of anchor are at the core of envy. Action and agency alleviate those feelings.

The antidote to envy, instability, and feeling like your life is not enough is to not be idled.

Doing one thing differently is often the same as doing everything differently - The Midnight Library

The smallest thing, any positive change will be the catalyst for improvement. Intentionality and constant study go hand in hand.

For me, inaction has been constant fodder for envy. When I keep myself occupied with the things I love, envy has little space to flaunt its ugly tentacles. When I put in the work and realize how freaking hard writing every week or training for a half marathon is, I respect others’ efforts and commiserate with them instead of feeling envious.

Essentially, diligently uncover your interests and work relentlessly to dig deepe and get better at those things. You might still get visits from the envy monster from time to time but the hope is they are going to be more sparse.

I think it is okay to be jealous, to feel frustrated at the “nicer things” that people have. You would not be a human if you didn’t have those desires. I am learning to not let envy take charge of the control tower. If you have any advice, stories, or thoughts about this topic, I’d love to know in the comments section.

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