the love you deserve

opening yourself to it [66]:

cozy like a coffee shop

Last year reading

liminal space

Sarah Wood's essays on falling in love, I was elated to know her story. Love through Sarah’s lens is beautiful, warm, safe - all the things I dream about for my own. I don’t think about romantic love very often. For me it has always been elusive, short-lived, unreliable. I am most scared of confusing lust with love, as a lot of us tend to do.

When I moved to Austin from the Midwest, I grew a renewed sense of hope. I was infatuated with the city in the beginning, exhibit A. We went through some rough patches. Almost two years in, I still have a lot of affection for this city. Whenever I am out of town, I look forward to coming back. Long story short, I have a hunch that something special was going to happen here - love or no love. I have always been great on my own but I wondered what would happen beyond it.

I tried dating on the apps on and off with little luck. After a failed situationship, I sworn off dating for a year. I needed to be in a good mental space if I wanted to meet someone good for me. For as long as I could remember, I kept finding myself attracted to the wrong people: lackluster, flaky, hot and cold. When I met people who were serious about dating, I lost interest. Courting was a roller coaster thrill that I crave. The attention, exciting beginnings, the idea of the other person were more attractive than entering a committed relationship.

Not unlike many beautiful things that happened in life, love found me unexpectedly. Before the first date, I couldn’t sleep. I hated doing this: meeting up with strangers, asking the same questions over and over, knowing too well 99% of the people I meet won’t end up in anything meaningful.

Texting my friend the night before with anxiety through the roof, I was asked why I wanted to go on a date with this person. I couldn’t answer. I wanted to because he seemed nice. I shifted the date back once because I wasn’t ready when he asked it the first time. The past me would have a laundry list of why I was attracted to someone whether it is their looks, what jobs they have (yes I was that shallow), or how funny they appear over texts - which admittedly says little about whether they are a good person.

I had a intuitive good feel about him but I couldn’t explain it. I was a nervous wrack the moment before. The moment we met and onward, the date was easy, smooth, almost effortless. He picked a cafe with good croissants in Austin because I mentioned liking lattes and French pastries. He was caring and kind and sweet. I never thought I could feel this comfortable with someone I recently met. We saw each other again two days later on Labor Day. Another date was scheduled a few days after the second. All dating norms flew out the window.

The funny thing about dating is that all the drama from failed dates and half baked situationships will fade once you find a good person. All of my dating grievances were forgotten once I met my boyfriend. We both dislike playing games and made that clear from the get go. I was relieved to meet someone who is emotionally mature and can communicate their needs and thoughts.

A good number of my friends is going on dates, we collectively share our woes (or past ones rather). I knew I would never find my current partner had I not quit my job. Walking away from that was the first thing in a chain of events that make me reassess my life. I gave myself the permission to live the life I want. I am reminded of that in Isabel’s essay on finding people you click with:

The sooner you be you, the sooner the people looking for you will find you

I also went back to therapy (for a different reason but it helped me observe emotions from a distance). I study attachment styles and past dating patterns. I let go of expectations. I wish I could pinpoint one single thing that change things for me. Borrowing the words from Sarah Wood:

Maybe he is just different or I am just different or the stars aligned, or some million other explanations. 

As I was working on this essay, I almost didn’t want to share it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about love because a part of me want to keep it to myself, the coziness and intimate feeling of it all. I also have an acute fear of jinxing a good thing by talking about it early on. My lovely boyfriend after being consulted on the topic gave me a nudge to complete the piece. I enjoy reading about other people’s dating journey so here is mine, written in the beginning.

---

Thank you for reading Life with MD, please subscribe if you have not already for future essays. I don’t spam, promise :)

Leave me a comment!