growing out of friendships
the reality of growing up and growing old [81]:
Friendships have always been at the forefront of my life. Before I believe in the magic of romance, I believe in the value of trustworthy, loving friends. I have written extensively about the virtue of friendships here, radical candor here, and deep connections takeaways here if you want to check them out.
For that reason, I never understood the possibility of friends drifting apart until recently. I was adamant that if we wanted to, we would uphold and keep all good friends for life. I have unwaveringly held on to friends for a decade and they have been more or less stable part of my life despite our geographical distances and the handful of times we met in many years.
The past year with changes, travels, and being occupied with my personal life, I found myself distancing from some of them. This process poses questions. Am I doing something wrong? Am I a person who forgoes friends when I get into a relationship? What could I do better?
Once I started discussing this with my partner, he asked me an enlightening question: was it just me, or were both my friends and I drifting away from each other? Friendship takes two, so if it sizzled out because one person stopped reaching out, maybe it is reasonable that things start fading.
During my time in Hanoi, I met a school friend who shared how she stopped hanging out with our classmates. Her explanation is simple: they don’t have many commonalities anymore. Her candor impressed me, normalizing the fact that friendship fallouts happen. It is a normal part of life.
December was my third time coming home this year. Over the years, the more I visit Hanoi, the more I prioritize spending time with family and close friends rather than reaching out to everyone I know in the city. As an introvert, meeting many people is overwhelming. Deep in me, I probably don't see the long-term value of being everyone's friends all the time. It is not that I want to antagonize anyone, it is challenging to keep up with every friend I have had without having enough common thread to continue the relationship at this point.
Friendships, especially the more superficial ones, require time and effort to maintain. According to a University of Kansas study, it takes roughly 50 hours spent between two people to move from acquaintance to being casual friend, 90 hours to move into “friend” status and 200 hours to be considered a close friend. It is borderline impossible for me to live 14000 kilometers from home and upkeep all of my weak ties.
It might be naive for me to finally realize it at 25 but I have genuinely not lost in touch with good friends despite living abroad for the eighth year now. I have always been diligent about keeping up with people, whether over texts, phone calls, or in person.
Interestingly, leaving Instagram coincided with or perhaps facilitated this friendship fading. With my departure from IG, I lost the ability to see spontaneous moments in people’s lives and react to them. Since I prioritized proximity and relevancy, I hang out with people who are closer to me geographically or share the same interests, work in the same field, have common life goals, etc.
Friends, acquaintances, lovers- we grow apart for different reasons: where we live, our jobs, our interests, differing life values, and having fewer things in common over time. I didn’t develop animosity towards any of these friends. I still respect and value them. Somewhere in the distance though, I saw a glimpse of our connection dimming. Some friendships might run their course without a lack of solid foundation or sufficient shared context.
In the process of this premature mourning, however, I am sanguine about growing roots and making new friends in the novel places that I set foot on. Friends of friends, childhood friends and family of a partner, people online with similar interests, coworkers, neighbors, etc. are just some of the people one can tap into.
After three years in Austin, I found a group of friends that I enjoy spending time with. Onto my fourth year here, I continue to admire the friendliness and generosity that strangers and acquaintances alike offer in the city. Of course, there are always my beloved long-distance friends whose connection barely budges even with time and distance apart.
Friendships are fluid. New friends can be made and old friends show up less. All is natural and part of life’s transience. As I move through new seasons, I am bringing that mantra with me and being open to what can happen.
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This resonated with me so much, especially in the moment in time when it found me. One thing I’ll add is that as I grew older, I was surprised to see that some friendships get resurrected. We sometimes grow apart and then evolve back in the same direction. I think especially the older ones, there’s a similar foundation of values that keep us together. That being said, for me, as the friendships grow in age, the harder it is to let them fade.
I am a friendship lover!! Sometime I’ve learned is that if we let friendships naturally ebb and flow instead of holding on tight - you will be surprised how things will fall into place when you need them the most.